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Or Give Up Before You Start

'Twas the night before Sunday,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring
(Except for Misty who gave the occasional twitch in her sleep)
Until there arrived a magnificent parcel
Containing the very-long-awaited bouncy castle.

It was carried by four rebel troopers
In orange battle gear,
And followed a procession
Led by Princess Leia.
She wished Tim Many Happy Returns
And asked him for the battle plans.

Tim led the operation
Until bold Luke appeared:
A mortal combat ensued
In which Tim better fared.
This unfortunately spoiled the plot of the story
So Tim stole Luke's clothes, and then his glory.

The castle quickly constructed,
Tim Skywalker sought further advice
From an old friend Tom Solo
Whom he found playing dice.
The dice were made from the bones of men who'd died
Under the knife, as victims of the doctor's wounded pride.

Solo's advice was rather dull
As he was more interested in Leia,
His attention equally divided
Between the calls of his groin and his ear.
And his conversation was just a blatant plug
For his new scaled-down ship, the Millenium Bug.

Returning home a touch annoyed,
Tim heard a light-saber's hum,
And faced a figure in black who said
"You should not have come".
His presence being required inside, Tim presented identification
Which, it being his own birthday, served in lieu of invitation.

As the other guests arrived,
Tim passed round some snacks
Which were quickly consumed by Jabba,
Whose morals and bowels were lax.
Jabba's enmity with Solo caused some further comment
When towards the end of the evening he encased him in

Chewbacca suffered from stomach cramps;
Sat groaning in a chair.
He felt a kinship with Misty
On account of their common hair.
Meanwhile in the castle throne-room a pissed-off Toby Vader
Pushed the Emperor to the floor crying "F-off Space Invader".

The Emperor, whose knowledge
Of sanity was notional,
Looked up pale and croaked,
"This station is fully operational."
Needless to say, a faith in friends will always baulk
Someone whose major asset is a face covered in chalk.

As the night wore on, Boba Fett
Got drunk and thought he could fly;
Yoda mumbled in the toilet,
"Do or do not. There is no try",
C-3PO came out of his shell and called everyone fools,
While R2-D2 impressed some girls with the size of his tools;

The Sarlacc sat in the corner burping,
Bib Fortuna held his head;
Obi Wonovan looked out of place
As he nibbled a stick of bread.
Then a series of entertainments began,
And Jabba's success was no flash in the pan.

Yoda started talking backwards
And the intercourse grew surreal
Until everyone finally settled down,
Dividing into Rebel and Imperial.
The Rebels, with one dead and one in stone, still quite
The Imperials, whose side with Fat, Drunk and Megalomaniac
were lumbered.

The results (a fact which Hollywood denies)
Were a foregone conclusion:
Mad, Fat and Drunk stormed the field
To Thin and Sober's confusion.
The explanations for the outcome remain unspecified,
As does the provenance of this poem whose authorship all